An atom of happiness

Interesting. Could this be two posts in one day?

I was just talking with my friends B (yes they both have names that start with B) today. One has within the past year gone through a break up and one is going through a strain in her relationship. We have all been friends for a while, B since grade 2 and B since grade 6. I consider them both kindred spirits. But I think they both circle me looking at each other with wariness. If I am the nucleus, they would be the proton and the neutron. And I haven't quite figured out who is which. But it does take me back to a pretty awesome KWRP in Cincinatti episode.

The point being is these are my two closest and oldest friends. I would take a bullet for either of them (in the leg... I mean not anywhere important sheesh) and we are all still unmarried, unchildified in life. And while I am sure they separately don't consider each other in the grand scheme of things; they are in my mind, my other two muskateers.

Sometimes I wonder what it is with the three of us why not one of us has grasped the brass ring? And by that I don't mean THE ring... I mean successful, committed, adult relationships with boys/men. It's not like people of our age group haven't been getting married, but we all seemed to miss out on the starter marriage phenomenon. Is this due to our up bringing? Our geographical location (ie. the water we drank)? although we all lived at three separate locales on the penninsula(and we certainly know enough Sidney girls who got knocked up as quickly as you could say here's your high school diploma), or own personal morals? It is in a sense a nature or nurture question.

A question I can't answer at all, but I do know this. We have spent (and all three of us are guilty of this) an inordinate amount of time justifying our behaviour- and changes in- to each other which have been directly related to the person we were with. This is all so interesting, as we three are the product of three very strong and amazing women. Is this the problem? Have we rejected this strong woman archetype and become co-dependent because of it? I know for myself that I will never live up to the ideal of my mother. She is- in one word-amazing. And I am not really. We often come to blows with my acceptance of my own mediocracy. Are all three of us rebelling against our own mothers by being ridiculous in the face of man?

Interestingly as I was making dinner tonight I realized both proton and neutron want or wanted to pursue careers in the culinary arts. As for me, I just want to be a 1950s housewife complete with in the closeted gay husband and martini and valium addiction. Maybe this is our form of rebellion, our post second wave feminist response to going out and being forced to be career women. We want to be our grandmothers? Or great grandmothers. Really all the three of us want is happiness, as defined by being in a relationship with someone who makes us feel as our mothers felt, or we thought they felt, loved, cherished and adored.

And maybe they didn't feel that way all the time, or even most of the time- we don't really know until it is too late, these impressions are formed in our psyche. And we recognize it's not easy for men either, for all intense purposes they have been replaced. Except for the cuddling, maybe the cuddling is all we really desire? To be held. To feel that love that comes from someones arms around you. There really isn't a feeling like it in the world.

Anyway, I'm babbling. I do know that all three of us would throw off these chains of discontent and do whatever it would take to be with the men we love. Except none of us can play this game that seems to hook men in, I know we all feel dishonest and infantile about it. Yet as years pass by and we talk to friends who swear by rules and regulations (and I'm not saying I haven't tried them before) to "land the man" and the three of us circle each other still single, still searching. I wonder- shouldn't we recognize the happiness we have with each other? With the compelling interactions that draw us back to each other again and again? Maybe we are each others great loves. And honestly, is that so bad?

To proton and neutron:


"Overweight"

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally

And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the boy, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?


I will carry you both as long and as far as I can. I think we carry each other.