This past week I've been doing a lot of thinking. I am sure to the horror and dismay of my father who always says I think way too much, make mountains out of molehills, create my own troubles etc... But he also said if I kept it up he'd have to come back her and put some sense into me- so game on I say- I await your visit!
Yesterday was Valentine's day and while I do believe it's a ridiculous hallmark holiday meant to empty your wallet and alienate all singletons into a despair only cured by spending more money. Valentine's Day! It's good for the economy! That said, I couldn't help but feel a little "single" sad on the day. And then of course a little angry that I'm letting a card company influence my feelings.
This time last year I was newly single and pretty excited about the path my life would be taking. This year I can say I'm still excited about my life, but it seems tinged a bit with sadness of unfulfilled dreams and longings.
I never thought growing up I'd be where I am at this age. When I was a "little" girl I wanted to be married and have babies by the time I was 23 so I could still be young and virile by the time they left home. Now it's closing in on ten years past that mark- and I'm just starting out with my life it feels like.
Lately I've been noticing people's wedding rings. I have done this before when I was so obsessed with getting married and starting a family I led myself to believe that I was going to be happy with a person totally wrong for me. Now I know what true all encompassing love (not just from my mum) feels like and I know I cannot settle for anything less than that to start a partnership. But I'm concerned about this feeling of unfulfilment about not being mated up.
Perhaps it has to do with the next stage people around me are going through. I know I've always been more mature for my age, in grade school I had very few friends and was one of those nerds who walked around with the teacher at breaks. I've always felt more at ease with "grown ups" and anxious with my contemporaries. The past few years were all about weddings, weddings and more weddings and now it seems to have switched to reproducing.
I spent a recent weekend in Ottawa with my friends Florie and Rob and their little daughter Serena who as of the current writing of this post (Feb 24th) is now one year and one day old. It was wonderful to see them again, as always and I am in a way envious of what Florie has, she has a wonderful husband who is in all senses her partner and really just a nice upstanding guy. And I wonder if/when I'll be in the same situation, and how will I cope? Is there a point when you just become too selfish to have children? Will I be able to deal with getting up ridiculously early and wearing boring yet practical shoes all the time? I know that I can and that I will be a good mother, given the chance to be one. (although I just don't know about the practical shoes) It is all about adapting.
But at what point do I stop holding out for true love? Or that my true love and I will be together? Will I have to reimmerse myself into the dating pool to finally find someone who I can tolerate and hope that after a few kids the trials of everyday life will numb the fact that he's not the one? And then I look around and see the little gifts he gave me, and know even though he's not here he is always presence and a comfort. And that I can't give up yet, I do not want to settle, ever. Even, I suppose, if it means solitude for a while.
Before moving here I had never been very solitary, not since high school. During university I became a social butterfly disguising my insecurity through socialization. Now I feel comfortable being on my own. Although that is part of the worry, being on your own allows you to mold little oddities and neuroses into beautiful tapestries that decorate your life. And how hard will these be to unravel? Will I be able to let someone else use my weekend coffee mug during the week for tea? (just typing that sentence makes me a bit anxious- this could be serious)
I made a new friend recently and went to his loft where he lives with 7 other people and several cats. I was, at first, intrigued by idea of living in the fashion district with such low rent. However, a quick glance at the kitchen swiftly reminded me of the pitfalls of roommates, unwashed dishes, messiness that will creep into your psyche and lay little eggs of discontent- either in the form of having to pick up after someone you aren't getting sexual pleasure from or an epic power struggle/standoff to see who is the alpha dog, the messy slob or the neurotic clean freak. It was at that time I knew for sure I couldn't deal with roommates again.
Well this post seems to have run the gamut- I am not discontent with my life as it is. Maybe it is the contentment I feel sitting alone in my kitchen that scares me? What I feel is impatience, and I have a feeling this is the life lesson I need to learn in my life. The prophet Muhammed said "Patience is the key to contentment". And when I feel impatient I know I am not living in the present moment, so I try to slow down, take deep breathes to refocus and come back to what I know. Someone out there loves me with all his heart, I'm close to loving myself with all my heart, I have amazing friends and family who also love me. And when I think about all this love I feel lighter in spirit. Maybe it's the sunshine today and how it glints off the snow, and makes kalidescopes of the icicles hanging from rooftops. Maybe this is how everyone feels mid-winter?
I leave for New York in ten days! Let the planning commence!
But at what point do I stop holding out for true love? Or that my true love and I will be together? Will I have to reimmerse myself into the dating pool to finally find someone who I can tolerate and hope that after a few kids the trials of everyday life will numb the fact that he's not the one? And then I look around and see the little gifts he gave me, and know even though he's not here he is always presence and a comfort. And that I can't give up yet, I do not want to settle, ever. Even, I suppose, if it means solitude for a while.
Before moving here I had never been very solitary, not since high school. During university I became a social butterfly disguising my insecurity through socialization. Now I feel comfortable being on my own. Although that is part of the worry, being on your own allows you to mold little oddities and neuroses into beautiful tapestries that decorate your life. And how hard will these be to unravel? Will I be able to let someone else use my weekend coffee mug during the week for tea? (just typing that sentence makes me a bit anxious- this could be serious)
I made a new friend recently and went to his loft where he lives with 7 other people and several cats. I was, at first, intrigued by idea of living in the fashion district with such low rent. However, a quick glance at the kitchen swiftly reminded me of the pitfalls of roommates, unwashed dishes, messiness that will creep into your psyche and lay little eggs of discontent- either in the form of having to pick up after someone you aren't getting sexual pleasure from or an epic power struggle/standoff to see who is the alpha dog, the messy slob or the neurotic clean freak. It was at that time I knew for sure I couldn't deal with roommates again.
Well this post seems to have run the gamut- I am not discontent with my life as it is. Maybe it is the contentment I feel sitting alone in my kitchen that scares me? What I feel is impatience, and I have a feeling this is the life lesson I need to learn in my life. The prophet Muhammed said "Patience is the key to contentment". And when I feel impatient I know I am not living in the present moment, so I try to slow down, take deep breathes to refocus and come back to what I know. Someone out there loves me with all his heart, I'm close to loving myself with all my heart, I have amazing friends and family who also love me. And when I think about all this love I feel lighter in spirit. Maybe it's the sunshine today and how it glints off the snow, and makes kalidescopes of the icicles hanging from rooftops. Maybe this is how everyone feels mid-winter?
I leave for New York in ten days! Let the planning commence!
No comments:
Post a Comment