Summer Part 1

My friend Jennie has commanded me to start updating my blog, and since she's pretty bossy and the mum of a teenmonster it's just best to do what she says.

This summer has definitely been one of the top three on record. I have had so much fun, and my love of Toronto has only deepened, making it clear to me that I am not ready to leave this wonderful city any time soon. So I'm doing something new, I'm taking a stand and going to put down some roots. While running away and into new adventure could it be more daring to just stay put? I guess we shall see.

There were two weddings this summer, one of my former roommate Jackie in Victoria, and the other of Jennie here in Toronto. I had only got to know Jennie in the late spring, but she's hella awesome so I keep hanging around her. We've had some pretty good adventures as well and she is a trusty gym buddy and a really kick ass cook!

Jennie's wedding was great, one absolutely fantastic party, that went off splendidly. The weeks leading up to it were full of the usual near disasters. It's funny how every year I swear off helpign at a wedding and every year it's another wedding. I just can't stay away. Must be my inherent masochism.

I didn't do a lot of traveling this summer, I went out to Belleville for a weekend with my Uncle which was fun. We went to Sandbanks National Park http://www.out-there.com/sandbank.htm
for a couple of days. The weather wasn't as warm as it SHOULD have been, so there was minimal swimming, but I got in the lake a couple of times and did end up with a bit of a sunburn.

As far as I can remember July was a fairly low-key month. Just working and hanging out with Jennie or Isabel on the weekends doing something or other. OH and wedding work up, and work outs.



I can pinpoint the exact moment summer started for me. I had had a fun night out (on a school night- shameful!) and was at work in a tired sort of giddy mood. One Dr. Stacy took me up to the Junction to get some food at the local organic grocery store. I spotted some organic Okanagen Cherries and was ready to plonk down a hefty chunk of change for them. I was expecting to pay about $12 for the bag, and oooh it would have been worth it. But when she rang through my items it came out to about $9 including tax. I did a bit of a double take and realized she had grossly undercharged me for the cherries. Did I say anything- no. Am I going to hell-yes. Was it worth it? Abso-effing-lutely. When it comes to Okanagen Cherries morals have zero meaning.

So sitting on the steps in the beautiful sunshine at lunch hour scarfing down deliciously sun warmed cherries was the moment that summer really began for me. And with a kick off like that, how could it be anything but amazing?

A girl's best friend

A while back I posted a spot about the ring I inherited from my grandmother. It was all whiny about unrequited love and I pretty much deleted it after a few hours. I've had time to think about this ring, and what it means to me- and it is so much more than a symbol of love that was not to be. It's about survival and endurance and making choices.

My grandomother, Jean, was a survivor, an adventuress who had such determination of spirit I've never been anything but proud of her accomplishments which by today's standards seem insignificant.

This ring I wear, was given to her as an engagement to a Canadian soldier in the second world war. But he died, somewhere in Italy. I've seen the telegram she received about his death, it is heartbreaking. To see your world shatter on a piece of paper, in a a few written words isn't an enjoyable experience whatever the medium, paper computer, cell phone. And the story could have ended there for Jean.

But it didn't (lucky for my mum and consequently, myself)- Jean married my Grandfather, who was her fiancee's brother. It wasn't as fast as all that, I am quiet sure she did some real soul searching and I do know she refused to marry him several times. Maybe because she didn't love him? Maybe because she was too heartbroken to think of a life outside of the one planned? Maybe she didn't want him to marry her out of familial obligation alone? I never got a straight answer about that one.

So we won't know what the main reason was, maybe it was as simple as this- she chose adventure. Rather than mope about in England for a love lost she continued on the path she had chosen in the only way readily available to her, and began her journey.

I know my Grandma had 'wanderlust' which I definitely inherited. When she would come to visit, we would spend hours looking at the globe and at atlases planning our big trip around the world. Ah the thought of travel fills my heart! I imagine her excitement as she said goodbye to her family in London- not knowing when she would ever see them again or what the circumstance might be.

I know the excitement and the terror of saying goodbye to family, only to talk to them hours later upon arrival and via Skype on a regular basis. It was years before my Grandmother was able to return to England, the only contact being via the post.

So I wear this ring, everyday to honour my Grandma Jean, and to remind myself that adventure lurks in every circumstance- good and bad alike. And it's sparkly.

Girl vs. Machine

The machine in question being the Internet, specifically Internet dating.

Way back in the day, I had been a "lurker" on a couple of dating websites. Interested, yet not quite able to wrap my head around the fact that I needed "help" dating. Well fast forward a few years and two failed relationships and that ever sinking premonition of dying fat and alone and being found three weeks later half eaten by alsatians, spurred me on to try it. That and the fact that I have never really dated, I hadn't really been on a proper date ever.

Being new to the big city, and realizing that there are men here, men everywhere in fact. Men that find me attractive- so unlike back home where I had come to expect, snide comments, side glances, and general assholish behaviour. One caveat- I don't think all men from BC are assholes, just most of the ones in Victoria; and there is reason, there are too many women in Victoria, therefore men can act however they want to and still find themselves with women who will put up with them. Generally though, not many people I know have ended up with a Victoria boy, wait for the imports a friend would say to me. Being a Navy city, there are a lot of those. But Navy boys are their own special kind of special- on the whole. There are exceptions and I'm happy that the friends I know who are married have picked those exceptions.

Anyassholey, back to the present day- or so. I think it does take a lot go on an internet dating website, it's pretty much admitting you need help in the dating game, you can't meet people via normal channels. Which for someone who just moved to the city and was working a lot, it was pretty true. I had no time to join clubs and pretend to care about causes in the hopes of throwing myself in the paths of eligible young(ish) men.

And then it hits, the kid in a candy store feeling, there ARE all these men, and they are messaging you, asking you out. And if you don't like the look of that one, or he can't string two sentences together, you just pick another- the supply seems endless. What I hadn't realized yet is that it's like sifting through river rock looking for gold. You have to sift through a hell of a lot to find a bit of gold. And then it usually turns out to be fool's gold.

But still I was in the blissful first blush of dating, making plans, getting dressed up, going places, being bought dinner, coffee, traveling in cars. At that point I was terrifically messed up over a boy, first time that had ever happened to me, usually I let relationships drag on so long that when I finally wake up out of them, I realize I was over that person for a good six months and yet still with them. So to be in this new territory of the walking wounded, well it was uncomfortable and it hurt, so I used dating as a balm on my soul. It didn't work very well, but it kept me busy at the time.

But as the dates progressed I began to notice things, I put up that I was looking for "dating" as I knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship again and for the most part looking to just meet people and expand my social network. Little did I know that "dating" is code for "casual sex" and here I thought the "casual sex" was actually code for "casual sex". Ahh how little I knew.

Dating websites are classifieds, so you can use different types of lingo like you are trying to sell an apartment. I always put up that I am "BBW", which means Big Beautiful Women, which is a PC term for fat. Which I am, not horrifically, I'm generally well proportioned, but enough that I have to spend extra money on trousers that fit properly. I say this up front to weed out the fattists- I spent enough time with someone who claimed to love me, but would love me all the more if I weighed less to ever be bothered with that kind of fuckwittage again. And I do find people in this city are much less well, assholish about it. It wasn't getting the dates that was the problem. Now the problem was finding quality over quantity.

In words of my dear Grandmothers friend in England I am a "buxom lass" which in North American terms means I have big tits. Most of the time I kind of forget about them, because honestly they are of no use to me, unless I need to get Jesse's Girl played at a wedding. Then I just think of using them for good (hello Rick Springfield!). But to me they aren't useful, when I have kids, then they will have a purpose. Right now they are just these giant back pain inducing items that I have been "blessed" with.

All this leads to the next point- when men see big boobs, their brain shuts down. I think it's chemical, and it is hard to blame them, witless creatures they are. But it makes it REALLY difficult to have a conversation when someone is talking to your left tit. When you do find a nice guy, they really do seem embarrassed by this urge and do make an effort to at least look above your neck part of the time. But there is the other side of the coin, where you could be having a really good chat with someone via emails/msn or what have you. Then you meet in person, notice the buxomness, and treat you like you have the IQ of a stamp. Because in their little world, women with big boobs are in no way able to be smart (would probably make masturbating less fun for them). Therefore I get relegated to a subsection of girl that they could sleep with, but couldn't date, as they would then have to acknowledge that I do in fact posses a personality and am not a blow up doll.

After years of being treated as less than human because of my physical lack (ie not being super model thin) this was quite the change, here I was being judged solely on my figure and being treated like a sex-object. It was really rather mind blowing, never in my whole life had I been treated like my body was a good or pleasant thing- leaving me free to develop the sexiest organ I got- my brain. And now I'm being treated like I do not or should not have a brain cause I'm so dead sexy physically. It was a lot to take in.

Eventually though, I tired of being a sex-object to these people (a sentence or thought I never envisioned before this) and took a break from this haphazard dating.

During my second round, I did become a lot more introspective about the hows and whys of who I was attracting- mostly complete crazies. Which I will discuss in round two of Girl vs. Machine

The Walking Wounded

Today was a migraine day. It came on suddenly last night, they just appear out of nowhere, and yesterday was a tame day, I didn't consume anything terrible drank plenty of water... but at about 10.30pm last night it hit. I thought if I could just go to sleep it would work itself out during the night.

But when I woke up this morning it was still there, my constant companion. As far as being a migraine sufferer I get off pretty easy these days. I don't tend to vomit, and I can go out in daylight usually. I've also found that over the counter migraine meds can often help me get through the day.

I've only had to go to the hospital once with a migraine, when it became apparent to me and the BF of the day that I was no longer rational. And by that I mean, I was seriously thinking about stabbing my eye with something pointy to somehow alleviate the pain.

But that was quite a while ago, in fact I've been pretty lucky lately. I guess my number was up today. However since the days that I used to suffer fairly regularly with them one is now able to buy over the counter migraine pills, rather than using the Dr. prescribed ones. The imitrex I was prescribed cost $40 per pill so you don't want to use those lightly.

It's funny, because you can try to take a regular headache pill, but the migraine will scoff at it and then totally ignore it.

I took my first pill at 9am this morning, and by the time I had to leave for my work meeting I was feeling a bit more than out of it. These pills are interesting, because they don't stop the pain of the migraine, or dissolve the migraine; rather they separate you from your body in such a way that you can't really feel the pain of the migraine.

So there you are, the walking wounded, fully functioning in your migraine hoping that the pain will dissipate before the drugs wear off. You can tell that your migraine is there, it's like a little dog pulling at the leash for your full attention, but these drugs make you numb- not totally fuzzy, but definitely one step behind.

Is it better to be able to be up and around, or to be cowering under the covers in total darkness. Either way, you feel exhausted at the end of it, in a way it was like part of me was in bed under the covers. Co-workers did comment that I didn't seem myself, and while I often feel that I spend a lot of my time separate from my body for entirely different reasons, today part of me was on the inside of far-out.

The migraine is gone finally, but I am still in the grips of the second pill I had to take, because I'd rather take this wrapped in cotton feeling than the stabbing pain of a migraine. So all in all a bit of a weird day and I thought I'd share it since I'm feeling so delightfully lucid.

Back to the grind, kind of...

Well I have returned, I don't know if I could say it was a triumphant return- but I did make the plane on time so there IS that.

(me and Nanny at Rathtrevour- my fave place on earth I think!)


My trip out West went really well. I went to quite a few places and feel like I saw a fair amount of people, my apologies to those I didn't see, my time in Victoria was really short and mostly taken up with the wedding and family. Next visit I would think that I have to spend more time in Victoria (shudder!).

I had a great visit up island with my Grandmother and Aunt and Uncle who happened to be coming down the last night I was there.

Managed to get in a fair bit of swimming in the ocean and a lake swim, which was unbelievably delightful. All in all it was a good visit, and I feel no pull to move back there at all. I would like to convince my family to move out here though- go on do it!

I had a really great visit with my brother, Don, we played some cards- I won, naturally... went for a bit of a wander up Mt. Tolmie and Mt. Doug which was just great, stuff that I really enjoyed doing but sort of forgot about.

There were two separate kayaking outtings with each unit. On Elk Lake with my mum and on the Gorge with my dad. Both were really fun times!

The weather was spectacular for pretty much all of the trip, which is handy because that is how I planned it.

A&A's wedding went off without any real hitches, it was beautiful and they were beaming. I'm looking forward to catching up with them once they return and get back to reality!

Oh reality, you harsh mistress. I'm happy to say I have put it off just a little bit, the majority of my first week back, which is also the first week back and only working one job, was spent sleeping. I guess I'm catching up on all the lost sleep. And I do believe I need to break the habit of just getting home and going to bed.

One good thing about being a workaholic is it sort of excuses you from having a life and putting yourself out there, which is very handy at times.

I zipped down to NY/NJ this past long weekend to visit with Val and Rob and meet my darlingest little godson, Sean! He is such a delight, a really happy little giggly baby and so smiley- I am completely in love with him. I had a lot of cuddles and hugs and somehow managed to get away without changing a diaper.... sneaky! So it was great to catch up with Val and Rob and see their new place.

Coming home was a bit of an ordeal, I left on a slightly later bus out of NYC, which enabled me to hang out a bit in Bryant Park and wander around, which I can't go anywhere near the City and not do. It's just such an amazing and wonderful place to be, I am extremely envious of anyone who is able to live there. I did manage to get back to TO with an hour to spare before work on Tuesday, but the bus has left me feeling a bit coldish and I'm still trying to catch up on sleep.

Ok! That was then, this is now. It's a few weeks later... pretty much back in the swing of things- starting to enjoy evenings and weekends off.

So maybe I'll start posting with some sort of regularity? It just might happen!

The other side

This week something crazy happened, I got over it.

One night I went to sleep and the next morning I woke up and realized I am the one that is causing my own unhappiness in so many situations. It's time to let certain things (and people) go and get on with being my own little pot of gold.

It's actually quite stimulating, I'm getting close to the point where I'm waking up smiling. Imagine! There is, right now, this great lightness of being in me. I'm coming back to old dreams and working on how to fulfill them. It's really rather exciting!

Part of this I think is the light at the end of the tunnel with the second job- 12 more working days to go. And then as a bonus I'm off for two weeks back to the coast.

I have been feeling some trepidation about going back there for a while. It brings back dreams I have had about going back there and then someone stealing my ticket so I can't leave. But I can leave, just like I'm not going back to my job in high school ever again. SO instead of dread, I'm working on excitement. Things I am looking forward to: seeing my peeps- you know who you are!, going to the beach, smelling the ocean, kayaking, Rathtrevour, picnics and happy hour with my Nanny, not working for two weeks, being overdressed, the upcoming wedding, Denman Island, my parents hot tub (which better be working!), lake swimming, night swimming, sailing. Ok- there is much to look forward to!

An update on my little proton and neutron, they are hanging out with each other which makes me so happy. I think they will enhance each others lives immensely.

I'm really looking forward to having more time available for myself. I feel like I am ready now to get out into the world and stop punishing myself or hiding out. I tried the workaholic thing, it's not my cup of tea. I'm ok with that though!

I suppose that is all I have to say for right now, I realized I hadn't posted in quite a while, but times were rough and I didn't feel like being a whingey blogger.
With more time on my hands I hope to upkeep the blog more regularly and perhaps even on topics! imagine!

I have a party I'm hosting today so I should get back to it, I love throwing parties. I was just imagining what kind of party I could throw if I was spending someone else's money.

So from Michelle-Land, things are well, I made it through to the other side and it's nice over here. All rainbows and sunshine and that kind of malarky. (wow I sound medicated... I'm high on life!!!!!)

Off balance

It's been a while since my last post. I suppose there isn't any real reason except for logistical issues that are making it a bit hard. At the moment I seem to be at a disconnect- I am working quite a bit and don't really have any down time during the week, lately I seem to have been working one weekend day as well so that my one day off a week is often spent in a sort of coma-like state of vegetation interspersed with flurries of trying to get everything done for the coming week (cook food so I can eat real things, laundry so I have underwear to wear, tidy the house so I feel better, clean Nestor so HE feels better). All in all I don't really have much personal time or time for doing anything outside of basic survival- hence the lack of posts.

Recently I have been sliding a bit, my general health upkeep isn't going very well. I'm not eating as well as I should and it leads to both me feeling bad physically as well as emotionally and mentally. I long for the days when I can actually have spare time where I could go for a run or to a gym or for a swim.

I have been looking into visualization techniques in the past month. I feel that I need something to spur me onwards or help me focus on making my life more palatable. The only trouble is you are supposed to enter a state of relaxation for these visualizations and given my current level of exhaustion that just generally means I go to sleep.

Also I've been trying to look at reasons why I'm doing this to myself. I think working over 50 hours a week would be acceptable if you were making pots of money something, alas, I am not doing. In a way I guess this is sort of a punishment for abandoning the schooling I came here for. But what in myself makes me feel like I need to be punished?

It's pretty obvious I need to be doing more towards achieving the lifestyle I would rather have (normal work hours, weekends off, benefits) but where does one start? Should I give up more sleep time? Do this at work?

Procrastination is a big issue- I'm realizing I use certain crutches to distance myself from making decisions: can't start my life until me and the boy are sorted, can't do anything until after the trip out west this summer. Have been working on really changing those habits.