An atom of happiness

Interesting. Could this be two posts in one day?

I was just talking with my friends B (yes they both have names that start with B) today. One has within the past year gone through a break up and one is going through a strain in her relationship. We have all been friends for a while, B since grade 2 and B since grade 6. I consider them both kindred spirits. But I think they both circle me looking at each other with wariness. If I am the nucleus, they would be the proton and the neutron. And I haven't quite figured out who is which. But it does take me back to a pretty awesome KWRP in Cincinatti episode.

The point being is these are my two closest and oldest friends. I would take a bullet for either of them (in the leg... I mean not anywhere important sheesh) and we are all still unmarried, unchildified in life. And while I am sure they separately don't consider each other in the grand scheme of things; they are in my mind, my other two muskateers.

Sometimes I wonder what it is with the three of us why not one of us has grasped the brass ring? And by that I don't mean THE ring... I mean successful, committed, adult relationships with boys/men. It's not like people of our age group haven't been getting married, but we all seemed to miss out on the starter marriage phenomenon. Is this due to our up bringing? Our geographical location (ie. the water we drank)? although we all lived at three separate locales on the penninsula(and we certainly know enough Sidney girls who got knocked up as quickly as you could say here's your high school diploma), or own personal morals? It is in a sense a nature or nurture question.

A question I can't answer at all, but I do know this. We have spent (and all three of us are guilty of this) an inordinate amount of time justifying our behaviour- and changes in- to each other which have been directly related to the person we were with. This is all so interesting, as we three are the product of three very strong and amazing women. Is this the problem? Have we rejected this strong woman archetype and become co-dependent because of it? I know for myself that I will never live up to the ideal of my mother. She is- in one word-amazing. And I am not really. We often come to blows with my acceptance of my own mediocracy. Are all three of us rebelling against our own mothers by being ridiculous in the face of man?

Interestingly as I was making dinner tonight I realized both proton and neutron want or wanted to pursue careers in the culinary arts. As for me, I just want to be a 1950s housewife complete with in the closeted gay husband and martini and valium addiction. Maybe this is our form of rebellion, our post second wave feminist response to going out and being forced to be career women. We want to be our grandmothers? Or great grandmothers. Really all the three of us want is happiness, as defined by being in a relationship with someone who makes us feel as our mothers felt, or we thought they felt, loved, cherished and adored.

And maybe they didn't feel that way all the time, or even most of the time- we don't really know until it is too late, these impressions are formed in our psyche. And we recognize it's not easy for men either, for all intense purposes they have been replaced. Except for the cuddling, maybe the cuddling is all we really desire? To be held. To feel that love that comes from someones arms around you. There really isn't a feeling like it in the world.

Anyway, I'm babbling. I do know that all three of us would throw off these chains of discontent and do whatever it would take to be with the men we love. Except none of us can play this game that seems to hook men in, I know we all feel dishonest and infantile about it. Yet as years pass by and we talk to friends who swear by rules and regulations (and I'm not saying I haven't tried them before) to "land the man" and the three of us circle each other still single, still searching. I wonder- shouldn't we recognize the happiness we have with each other? With the compelling interactions that draw us back to each other again and again? Maybe we are each others great loves. And honestly, is that so bad?

To proton and neutron:


"Overweight"

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally

And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the boy, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?


I will carry you both as long and as far as I can. I think we carry each other.

Mid-Winter Mindset

This past week I've been doing a lot of thinking. I am sure to the horror and dismay of my father who always says I think way too much, make mountains out of molehills, create my own troubles etc... But he also said if I kept it up he'd have to come back her and put some sense into me- so game on I say- I await your visit!

Yesterday was Valentine's day and while I do believe it's a ridiculous hallmark holiday meant to empty your wallet and alienate all singletons into a despair only cured by spending more money. Valentine's Day! It's good for the economy! That said, I couldn't help but feel a little "single" sad on the day. And then of course a little angry that I'm letting a card company influence my feelings.

This time last year I was newly single and pretty excited about the path my life would be taking. This year I can say I'm still excited about my life, but it seems tinged a bit with sadness of unfulfilled dreams and longings.

I never thought growing up I'd be where I am at this age. When I was a "little" girl I wanted to be married and have babies by the time I was 23 so I could still be young and virile by the time they left home. Now it's closing in on ten years past that mark- and I'm just starting out with my life it feels like.

Lately I've been noticing people's wedding rings. I have done this before when I was so obsessed with getting married and starting a family I led myself to believe that I was going to be happy with a person totally wrong for me. Now I know what true all encompassing love (not just from my mum) feels like and I know I cannot settle for anything less than that to start a partnership. But I'm concerned about this feeling of unfulfilment about not being mated up.

Perhaps it has to do with the next stage people around me are going through. I know I've always been more mature for my age, in grade school I had very few friends and was one of those nerds who walked around with the teacher at breaks. I've always felt more at ease with "grown ups" and anxious with my contemporaries. The past few years were all about weddings, weddings and more weddings and now it seems to have switched to reproducing.

I spent a recent weekend in Ottawa with my friends Florie and Rob and their little daughter Serena who as of the current writing of this post (Feb 24th) is now one year and one day old. It was wonderful to see them again, as always and I am in a way envious of what Florie has, she has a wonderful husband who is in all senses her partner and really just a nice upstanding guy. And I wonder if/when I'll be in the same situation, and how will I cope? Is there a point when you just become too selfish to have children? Will I be able to deal with getting up ridiculously early and wearing boring yet practical shoes all the time? I know that I can and that I will be a good mother, given the chance to be one. (although I just don't know about the practical shoes) It is all about adapting.

But at what point do I stop holding out for true love? Or that my true love and I will be together? Will I have to reimmerse myself into the dating pool to finally find someone who I can tolerate and hope that after a few kids the trials of everyday life will numb the fact that he's not the one? And then I look around and see the little gifts he gave me, and know even though he's not here he is always presence and a comfort. And that I can't give up yet, I do not want to settle, ever. Even, I suppose, if it means solitude for a while.

Before moving here I had never been very solitary, not since high school. During university I became a social butterfly disguising my insecurity through socialization. Now I feel comfortable being on my own. Although that is part of the worry, being on your own allows you to mold little oddities and neuroses into beautiful tapestries that decorate your life. And how hard will these be to unravel? Will I be able to let someone else use my weekend coffee mug during the week for tea? (just typing that sentence makes me a bit anxious- this could be serious)

I made a new friend recently and went to his loft where he lives with 7 other people and several cats. I was, at first, intrigued by idea of living in the fashion district with such low rent. However, a quick glance at the kitchen swiftly reminded me of the pitfalls of roommates, unwashed dishes, messiness that will creep into your psyche and lay little eggs of discontent- either in the form of having to pick up after someone you aren't getting sexual pleasure from or an epic power struggle/standoff to see who is the alpha dog, the messy slob or the neurotic clean freak. It was at that time I knew for sure I couldn't deal with roommates again.

Well this post seems to have run the gamut- I am not discontent with my life as it is. Maybe it is the contentment I feel sitting alone in my kitchen that scares me? What I feel is impatience, and I have a feeling this is the life lesson I need to learn in my life. The prophet Muhammed said "Patience is the key to contentment". And when I feel impatient I know I am not living in the present moment, so I try to slow down, take deep breathes to refocus and come back to what I know. Someone out there loves me with all his heart, I'm close to loving myself with all my heart, I have amazing friends and family who also love me. And when I think about all this love I feel lighter in spirit. Maybe it's the sunshine today and how it glints off the snow, and makes kalidescopes of the icicles hanging from rooftops. Maybe this is how everyone feels mid-winter?

I leave for New York in ten days! Let the planning commence!

2007 The Facts and Figures ReCap

Happy New Year Everybaady!




Here's a recount of the stats,ups, downs and sideways:





Moves across the Country: 1
Very own apartments occupied: 1 (a first!)
School courses begun:1
School courses finished: 0 (oh well win some lose some)
States visited: 3 (new york, new jersey, pennsylvania)
Trips to New York City:2
Amount of my twenties left to complete: 0 (HA I WIN!!)
Friends and family that have visited: 11
Bottles of wine consumed: hmmm numerous
Times gone swimming: 0 (I wish I wasn't so scared of the lake)
Tans achieved: 1 (alllright)
Boyfriends this year: 2
Shoes bought: 7 pairs? (that can't be right, the number seems too low)
Purses bought: 6 (moderate)
Times it has snowed: over ten times- it rules
First class flights: 1 (from Montreal to TO, man it was awesome- so that's how the other half lives)
Times living space was reorganized: 5 and I think we have a winner folks
Valentine's Cards: 1 (thanks mum!)
Books read: gosh i don't even keep track but I'd say at least 100.
Paintings painted: .5 :-( i need to work on that

OK I can't think of anything more I should recap. I'm sure I could recap everything but then you wouldn't read my blog. And if I lost my admiring public what WOULD I do?

As I write this it is the one year anniversary of my move to Toronto. It's been an interesting year- they say everything gets better after 30, well let's hope so as my twenties were a bit shite. It has been a year of new beginnings a few endings and a lot of learning. I feel happy and somewhat content with life. More content than I have been in a while. It's great to wake up in the morning and look out your window and think "wow I'm home".

Great things are afoot for 2008, there is a feeling in the air and I for one am darn excited about it. Thanks to everyone in my life, you are the ones who make me smile on a daily basis, who teach me things about yourselves and myself and although I'm not around most of you I carry you all in my heart (or in that very large purse I have...).

Many hugs and smooches from "the centre"

Michelle

Decemberlicious- Unexpurgated

I'm really not all that sure that anything exciting happened in the month of December either. I think I spent one weekend in bed getting upset with myself for sleeping through my one day off and then spending the rest of the time lolling about in a sort of pathetic misery.

Good to get that out of the way at the beginning of the month I suppose. I did have a great weekend where I did many things, it was freezing cold out. Well even BELOW freezing cold! I made my way out to little India to buy some presents and poke around and have lunch. I love taking the streetcar out there because there is just so much more exciting things to see than the subway. I'm sure I've said this about ten million times before. But in life- there are passengers and there are drivers- well I'm a passenger... in the Iggy Pop sense of the word. Seriously though I don't really like driving, I get distracted and enraged and why should I bother? I like to be able to stare out at things as I pass them imagine them in a different setting, different light, different universe. That's just how I roll. Good for my scenic life, not so great if I'm behind a wheel.

The day after the outting to Inja (as I would say if I was terribly posh and british) it snowed! Lots of snow over night which made me very very happy. I met up that next day with Alex and Andrea for brunch although much of the time was spent waiting for the bus to come. Stupid #63 bus. For some reason they completely cut back on service and didn't bother to tell anyone. Now I understand that there is financial trouble, but heck take away the bus service in the boonies. Those people don't want to see anyone anyway- if they did they would - live- in - the- city. Yes and with that I am officially a city slicker, and I'm pretty happy to be that way. (this would be the unexpurgated part of the blog)

I came across that word (unexpurgated) last night while chatting with my friend Pili. We were talking about fairy tales and that sort of thing and I mentioned I have a Grimm's Fairy Tale book, given to me by my Briana, and in the front it states it is the original fairy tales, not the mother goose versions. Hence the "unexpurgated" meaning nothing has been taken out to make them more palatable.

I cannot remember the tale but my favourite one of all time ends in "open the window and let the lies out". In a sense telling us to all unexpurgate ourselves. We put up so many barriers for people and are made to feel that what we do in life is wrong that the face we present to the public edited it's no wonder we're all wandering around feeling isolated.

In general I try to live very openly with who I am and what I am feeling, sometimes I overshare and sometimes what I do and how I live my life doesn't sit well with other people but I came to a realization after the end of a friendship in which I was editing myself, trying to act so I wouldn't be offensive to their sensibilities, that this is not the way we need to act. We should try to be sensitive to other's but I think we could all do with a bit more honesty in our lives and stand up for our wants and needs.

I lost my bus pass this week which is crappy, but it's forcing me to walk more and that is a plus. I walked to work this morning, it's such a short walk I don't know why I have been so lazy about it lately. I suppose because I can be.

As I am finishing up this post it is snowing out. Could be the worst storm in forty years as one person described it. Had brunch plans with H this morning but we both realized that's just not going to happen. It's lovely and quiet outside and I am up early again hurrah! I have no real need to leave the house but I think I'll have to go for a walk in this kind of weather.

It is nice to be able to listen to "I am a Rock" and it really is a deep and dark december and the ground IS snow covered.

Don't be scared if these posts take a more philosphical turn in the new year. It is something I have been wanting to do for a while and if blogging is an interesting medium, in that it is an online diary- so I am going to endeavor to talk about what interests me and my thoughts rather than all description about my life.

So you are forewarned of the self indulgent turn this could take. I'm sure it won't be all moroseness and philosophy... I have a tendency towards goofiness and a deep appreciation of the ridiculous that will not settle down.

And that's all for now. At the rate I'm posting this could be the last post of the year worth any merit. However I will try to do an end of the year recap.

and now back to the snow
m

Spookaween and November

Ok so I have to write some backlog posts as my mum is getting cranky with me.... the HORROR! And we can't have a cranky mum AND since I can't placate her with freshly brewed coffee I have to write these up.

The rest of October was fairly uneventful. Brandy left and I was back to work at both jobs. Working days and nights doesn't really leave much time for anything else really. So that is what I did.

I covet my weekends though and one weekend day I walked from my house to Union Station along the waterfront. It was a super fall day- crisp out but still sunny for the most part. It took just over two hours maybe? And it was a great walk, the only crappy part was one section along the highway for a bit, but for the most part you can walk along the water in relative peace. I discovered some new bits of the city I had yet to see including a music garden.

The music garden was inspired by a symphony but some composer whose name I forget right now and I guess you can rent headphones and listen to it as you walk through each part. Pretty nifty idea if you ask me.

One weekend Florie and her family came into town. Florie and I met up and spent the day together wandering around downtown and hanging out. We went to the fashion district and spent an inordinate amount of time in a fabric store. Right now my sewing machine is on the fritz so I'm a bit frustrated that I can't do what I would like to be doing with regards to my sewing projects. And frustrated with myself because I haven't learned how to use my serger yet. Lazy lazy!

We poked around Kensington market and looked at the used shops which was great because Florie is so amazingly talented in the area of design and a great sounding board for any ideas.

After our day we met up with the family at her sister-in-laws and had delicious falafel for dinner and played Wii. Wii is pretty fun I must say. I'm not going to rush out and buy one but still I wouldn't be adverse to playing it if it was around. AND unbeknownst to me- I am a wii bowling whiz. TOTAL WHIZ!!! And I got my Serena fill in for the next little while. The little pooky is now sitting up on her own and pulling herself up and getting pretty close to walking. So adorable and lovely!

But other than that not very much really happened during the month. I'm not working five nights a week any more which is great, I now have Wed. night off to sort of pause and take stock (and by that I mean do my laundry and try to clean my apartment) and make a nice meal for myself and I was going to start watching America's Next Top Model, but just couldn't be bothered. Drunk skinny girls wander around cycle 7 is it? Meh.

It did snow once towards the end of the month and that made me exceedingly happy. EXCEEDLINGLY- got it?

And really that's November. Next up December!

BrandyShaw turns 30 part deux

And the adventure continues!

My intent while Brandy was here was to show her as much of the neat parts of the city as possible, and of course Much Music.... it is very funny but everyone from my childhood that has come to visit wants to see MuchMusic. I suppose because it was so influential on our lives, we of the "before you tube" generation. And I will admit to being pretty damn excited the first time I walked by it even after ten years of not really watching it I can still remember the address of where we could send our requests to.

Tangent aside, we covered a lot of ground during B's visit. We spent a day in Kensington market wandering about and getting lost and finding some really cool shops. Had to buy some injera to make our ethiopian feast one night and of course buy some crazy mexican delicious candies. I don't know what is in them but I suspect it is what flows in the rivers in heaven, it's that good. We spent part of a day in the Bathurst village where we checked out Honest Ed's and a mexican resty for wings, following that we walked down Roncesvalle village to peep into the edgy shops there. And Manic Coffee was a particular request of Brandy's, she knows the owner- having worked with him in Vancouver, he moved out here to set up shop and makes very delicious coffee. We had espresso shots. I'm not quite used to that anymore so it was like crack to me and I felt crazy for about an hour afterwards. Brandy gifted me with some Intelligensia which is direct trade coffee and delicious tasting.

We sort of checked out Chinatown, but being from Vancouver it's really not something new or exciting and frankly I think I enjoy the Victoria chinatown much more with it's FanTan Alley and bubble tea shop.

Saturday we hooked B up with a killer KILLER haircut and just sort of wandered around Bloor West Village OH and shoes! The cutest black flats that I have major envy of and picked up items for our ethiopian feast! Mmmmm feasts.

Our plan for that night was to head out to meet up with my friend Andrea and head out to the Drake Hotel for some drinks and maybe some dancing afterwards. Well we hit two out of three as we didn't really go dancing afterwards (sorry B!) but I think we had a great time hanging out at the Drake. We dressed up in our fanciest jeans and new things and managed to snag a perfect spot near the bar. The people watching was great, the drinks were delicious, albeit expensive and the boys were mostly cute. We managed to catch the subway home which is a bonus because riding the 300 night bus really isn't a Toronto experience Brandy needed.

The next day I woke up to my chagrin feeling coldy, I suspect my air mattress, and we just had a mellow day wandering around High Park and area taking photos. That night Brandy made pretty much the most awesome cornbread I have ever tastes and I made a pizza and it was just sort of a chill out evening of hanging out and reading. Brandy and I read a lot together. I think it's great to hang out with someone who understands the need to read as much as I do.

The next morning I was feeling much better for a long sleep and TA DAAAAAAAAAAAA Brandy Shaw is THIRTY!!! The weather was a bit mucky but after snacks we trucked off to East Toronto for some breakfast and to check out Little India and the East End. I showed her my favourite pashmina shop and we wandered down to Queen St East to take the streetcar back. I love taking the 501 streetcar as you get to see so much more of the city than you do riding the subway.

We got off downtown and had a peek at Nathan Phillips Square which was still water, looked around Eatons Centre and Dundas square and then headed home.

That night was quiet as B was packing up and preparing for departure. I know she was getting a bit homesick for her own apartment, and it took every inch of my being not to fling my arms around her legs and weigh her down so she had to stay forever. I do hope she had a good time and learned a bit about Toronto, I think it's a lot different than what people conceive it to be.

For myself I think it's a great city, very multicultural, safe and clean. Often I feel that I have to defend why I moved here, particularly to West Coasters (and yes I mean YOU dad) but the city offers so much more to me than I could find out there. Part culture, part proximity to so many other big cities, mostly just awesomeness.

And with that the next morning Brandy and I headed out to the airport where I dropped her off and headed to work. I was very sad to see her go, but she will be back! And I felt so lucky that she chose to spend a milestone in her life with me. Brandy and I have been friends since we were 6 and I sat behind her in Grade 2. And the past 24 years have been wicked so here's to the next 24!

Happy Thirtieth! Move to Toronto!!! Don't steal the tomatoes!

Loves
Michelle

Happy 30th BrandyShaws!

Ok- I've been terribly lax on my blogging and nothing shows it more than the first sentence... but I'm feeling mostly normal and not like a big ball of sleepy so I can continue on.

Aprox 17 days ago my best friend Brandy Shaw arrived at 2.39pm on a wednesday afternoon. Needless to say I was pretty giddy to see her. It had been just under a year since we last got to spend some time together and quite a while before that where we got to spend with just us and no other hanger-ons, boyfriends, etc.

I had a mild panic at the last second on the the ride out to Pearson that I had got the time wrong and she wasn't arriving that day or had arrived and was wandering terminal three aimlessly or that I would be sitting there for several hours. But after only say half an hour of waiting there she was! A vision! The west coast and my oldest friend here in Toronto!!

We made it back to my place without incident and spent a quiet evening in, ordered Indian from a very good place nearby that delivers (this is key...) and just generally got caught up. Although we pretty much talk everyday so we are on the up and up with each other but it's so nice to do it in person and be able to reach over and poke the person.

Brandy looks great, she is one of those people who radiates a sort of ethereal glow at all times. I know the has been experiencing the end of twenties quasi-meltdown we all go through but she has done it in a very calm and accepting way. *Well to my and the eyes of the world- she could be a mess underneath but it doesn't show. I felt giddy and calmed just being around her. It is so great to be with someone who gets pretty much every single obscure reference and silly joke you have ever thought of and then continues on with it and makes more.

We awoke the next morning (yes morning.... something I don't do generally if I don't have to- but special circumstances mean special waking up times.. that and I don't think I'd be allowed to sleep all day). And after a quick breakfast headed downtown for some shopping! It was a beautiful day here that day. The sky was so blue and it was WARM. Warmer than either of us had anticipated, we are both fall gals and love to pull on a nice cozy sweater, wrap ourselves in a big fluffy scarf (with matching hot bag of course) and set off. So while the sun "looked" nice, the heat wasn't super complimentary to our outfits....

We made our way to St. George and walked past the ROM and down Bloor a ways. Brandy is very talented and interested in the culinary arts, specifically baking, so I thought it my duty to introduce her to Williams Sonoma, THE fancy cookware shop. It was like my mum in a craft store or Florie in a fabric shop or me in a bookstore.. we sort of got lost in there for a while.
Then we hit Yorkville Winners, where I think we both could have happily spent all of our budget in a matter of half an hour. Showing a small modicum of restraint we both only made a couple of purchases and moved on.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful shopping wise, B wanted to have a look at H&M and the first store we went into was very hipster I'm 17 looking- not quite our style, but we hit the Eaton Centre H&M and it had some nicer grown up clothes that we tried on. Although this "new" style of the sort of 60s mod parachute dresses/shirts really don't work all that well on those who are advanced in the chesticular areas so we didn't purchase and moved on.

Most of our evenings were spent at home making a nice dinner and then just hanging out watching a movie or talking. That for me was the most wonderful part of her visit. It is not often I have a friend over in the evenings (and in typing that I can't even think of a time at all) where we just relax and do nothing.


The Adventures will continue in part 2....
We had many adventures out and about in the city and I think we covered a fair bit of ground. We made it to Kensington market, which I always love and I know Brandy did too, it's a funky part of town