An atom of happiness

Interesting. Could this be two posts in one day?

I was just talking with my friends B (yes they both have names that start with B) today. One has within the past year gone through a break up and one is going through a strain in her relationship. We have all been friends for a while, B since grade 2 and B since grade 6. I consider them both kindred spirits. But I think they both circle me looking at each other with wariness. If I am the nucleus, they would be the proton and the neutron. And I haven't quite figured out who is which. But it does take me back to a pretty awesome KWRP in Cincinatti episode.

The point being is these are my two closest and oldest friends. I would take a bullet for either of them (in the leg... I mean not anywhere important sheesh) and we are all still unmarried, unchildified in life. And while I am sure they separately don't consider each other in the grand scheme of things; they are in my mind, my other two muskateers.

Sometimes I wonder what it is with the three of us why not one of us has grasped the brass ring? And by that I don't mean THE ring... I mean successful, committed, adult relationships with boys/men. It's not like people of our age group haven't been getting married, but we all seemed to miss out on the starter marriage phenomenon. Is this due to our up bringing? Our geographical location (ie. the water we drank)? although we all lived at three separate locales on the penninsula(and we certainly know enough Sidney girls who got knocked up as quickly as you could say here's your high school diploma), or own personal morals? It is in a sense a nature or nurture question.

A question I can't answer at all, but I do know this. We have spent (and all three of us are guilty of this) an inordinate amount of time justifying our behaviour- and changes in- to each other which have been directly related to the person we were with. This is all so interesting, as we three are the product of three very strong and amazing women. Is this the problem? Have we rejected this strong woman archetype and become co-dependent because of it? I know for myself that I will never live up to the ideal of my mother. She is- in one word-amazing. And I am not really. We often come to blows with my acceptance of my own mediocracy. Are all three of us rebelling against our own mothers by being ridiculous in the face of man?

Interestingly as I was making dinner tonight I realized both proton and neutron want or wanted to pursue careers in the culinary arts. As for me, I just want to be a 1950s housewife complete with in the closeted gay husband and martini and valium addiction. Maybe this is our form of rebellion, our post second wave feminist response to going out and being forced to be career women. We want to be our grandmothers? Or great grandmothers. Really all the three of us want is happiness, as defined by being in a relationship with someone who makes us feel as our mothers felt, or we thought they felt, loved, cherished and adored.

And maybe they didn't feel that way all the time, or even most of the time- we don't really know until it is too late, these impressions are formed in our psyche. And we recognize it's not easy for men either, for all intense purposes they have been replaced. Except for the cuddling, maybe the cuddling is all we really desire? To be held. To feel that love that comes from someones arms around you. There really isn't a feeling like it in the world.

Anyway, I'm babbling. I do know that all three of us would throw off these chains of discontent and do whatever it would take to be with the men we love. Except none of us can play this game that seems to hook men in, I know we all feel dishonest and infantile about it. Yet as years pass by and we talk to friends who swear by rules and regulations (and I'm not saying I haven't tried them before) to "land the man" and the three of us circle each other still single, still searching. I wonder- shouldn't we recognize the happiness we have with each other? With the compelling interactions that draw us back to each other again and again? Maybe we are each others great loves. And honestly, is that so bad?

To proton and neutron:


"Overweight"

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally

And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the boy, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?


I will carry you both as long and as far as I can. I think we carry each other.

Mid-Winter Mindset

This past week I've been doing a lot of thinking. I am sure to the horror and dismay of my father who always says I think way too much, make mountains out of molehills, create my own troubles etc... But he also said if I kept it up he'd have to come back her and put some sense into me- so game on I say- I await your visit!

Yesterday was Valentine's day and while I do believe it's a ridiculous hallmark holiday meant to empty your wallet and alienate all singletons into a despair only cured by spending more money. Valentine's Day! It's good for the economy! That said, I couldn't help but feel a little "single" sad on the day. And then of course a little angry that I'm letting a card company influence my feelings.

This time last year I was newly single and pretty excited about the path my life would be taking. This year I can say I'm still excited about my life, but it seems tinged a bit with sadness of unfulfilled dreams and longings.

I never thought growing up I'd be where I am at this age. When I was a "little" girl I wanted to be married and have babies by the time I was 23 so I could still be young and virile by the time they left home. Now it's closing in on ten years past that mark- and I'm just starting out with my life it feels like.

Lately I've been noticing people's wedding rings. I have done this before when I was so obsessed with getting married and starting a family I led myself to believe that I was going to be happy with a person totally wrong for me. Now I know what true all encompassing love (not just from my mum) feels like and I know I cannot settle for anything less than that to start a partnership. But I'm concerned about this feeling of unfulfilment about not being mated up.

Perhaps it has to do with the next stage people around me are going through. I know I've always been more mature for my age, in grade school I had very few friends and was one of those nerds who walked around with the teacher at breaks. I've always felt more at ease with "grown ups" and anxious with my contemporaries. The past few years were all about weddings, weddings and more weddings and now it seems to have switched to reproducing.

I spent a recent weekend in Ottawa with my friends Florie and Rob and their little daughter Serena who as of the current writing of this post (Feb 24th) is now one year and one day old. It was wonderful to see them again, as always and I am in a way envious of what Florie has, she has a wonderful husband who is in all senses her partner and really just a nice upstanding guy. And I wonder if/when I'll be in the same situation, and how will I cope? Is there a point when you just become too selfish to have children? Will I be able to deal with getting up ridiculously early and wearing boring yet practical shoes all the time? I know that I can and that I will be a good mother, given the chance to be one. (although I just don't know about the practical shoes) It is all about adapting.

But at what point do I stop holding out for true love? Or that my true love and I will be together? Will I have to reimmerse myself into the dating pool to finally find someone who I can tolerate and hope that after a few kids the trials of everyday life will numb the fact that he's not the one? And then I look around and see the little gifts he gave me, and know even though he's not here he is always presence and a comfort. And that I can't give up yet, I do not want to settle, ever. Even, I suppose, if it means solitude for a while.

Before moving here I had never been very solitary, not since high school. During university I became a social butterfly disguising my insecurity through socialization. Now I feel comfortable being on my own. Although that is part of the worry, being on your own allows you to mold little oddities and neuroses into beautiful tapestries that decorate your life. And how hard will these be to unravel? Will I be able to let someone else use my weekend coffee mug during the week for tea? (just typing that sentence makes me a bit anxious- this could be serious)

I made a new friend recently and went to his loft where he lives with 7 other people and several cats. I was, at first, intrigued by idea of living in the fashion district with such low rent. However, a quick glance at the kitchen swiftly reminded me of the pitfalls of roommates, unwashed dishes, messiness that will creep into your psyche and lay little eggs of discontent- either in the form of having to pick up after someone you aren't getting sexual pleasure from or an epic power struggle/standoff to see who is the alpha dog, the messy slob or the neurotic clean freak. It was at that time I knew for sure I couldn't deal with roommates again.

Well this post seems to have run the gamut- I am not discontent with my life as it is. Maybe it is the contentment I feel sitting alone in my kitchen that scares me? What I feel is impatience, and I have a feeling this is the life lesson I need to learn in my life. The prophet Muhammed said "Patience is the key to contentment". And when I feel impatient I know I am not living in the present moment, so I try to slow down, take deep breathes to refocus and come back to what I know. Someone out there loves me with all his heart, I'm close to loving myself with all my heart, I have amazing friends and family who also love me. And when I think about all this love I feel lighter in spirit. Maybe it's the sunshine today and how it glints off the snow, and makes kalidescopes of the icicles hanging from rooftops. Maybe this is how everyone feels mid-winter?

I leave for New York in ten days! Let the planning commence!