The machine in question being the Internet, specifically Internet dating.
Way back in the day, I had been a "lurker" on a couple of dating websites. Interested, yet not quite able to wrap my head around the fact that I needed "help" dating. Well fast forward a few years and two failed relationships and that ever sinking premonition of dying fat and alone and being found three weeks later half eaten by alsatians, spurred me on to try it. That and the fact that I have never really dated, I hadn't really been on a proper date ever.
Being new to the big city, and realizing that there are men here, men everywhere in fact. Men that find me attractive- so unlike back home where I had come to expect, snide comments, side glances, and general assholish behaviour. One caveat- I don't think all men from BC are assholes, just most of the ones in Victoria; and there is reason, there are too many women in Victoria, therefore men can act however they want to and still find themselves with women who will put up with them. Generally though, not many people I know have ended up with a Victoria boy, wait for the imports a friend would say to me. Being a Navy city, there are a lot of those. But Navy boys are their own special kind of special- on the whole. There are exceptions and I'm happy that the friends I know who are married have picked those exceptions.
Anyassholey, back to the present day- or so. I think it does take a lot go on an internet dating website, it's pretty much admitting you need help in the dating game, you can't meet people via normal channels. Which for someone who just moved to the city and was working a lot, it was pretty true. I had no time to join clubs and pretend to care about causes in the hopes of throwing myself in the paths of eligible young(ish) men.
And then it hits, the kid in a candy store feeling, there ARE all these men, and they are messaging you, asking you out. And if you don't like the look of that one, or he can't string two sentences together, you just pick another- the supply seems endless. What I hadn't realized yet is that it's like sifting through river rock looking for gold. You have to sift through a hell of a lot to find a bit of gold. And then it usually turns out to be fool's gold.
But still I was in the blissful first blush of dating, making plans, getting dressed up, going places, being bought dinner, coffee, traveling in cars. At that point I was terrifically messed up over a boy, first time that had ever happened to me, usually I let relationships drag on so long that when I finally wake up out of them, I realize I was over that person for a good six months and yet still with them. So to be in this new territory of the walking wounded, well it was uncomfortable and it hurt, so I used dating as a balm on my soul. It didn't work very well, but it kept me busy at the time.
But as the dates progressed I began to notice things, I put up that I was looking for "dating" as I knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship again and for the most part looking to just meet people and expand my social network. Little did I know that "dating" is code for "casual sex" and here I thought the "casual sex" was actually code for "casual sex". Ahh how little I knew.
Dating websites are classifieds, so you can use different types of lingo like you are trying to sell an apartment. I always put up that I am "BBW", which means Big Beautiful Women, which is a PC term for fat. Which I am, not horrifically, I'm generally well proportioned, but enough that I have to spend extra money on trousers that fit properly. I say this up front to weed out the fattists- I spent enough time with someone who claimed to love me, but would love me all the more if I weighed less to ever be bothered with that kind of fuckwittage again. And I do find people in this city are much less well, assholish about it. It wasn't getting the dates that was the problem. Now the problem was finding quality over quantity.
In words of my dear Grandmothers friend in England I am a "buxom lass" which in North American terms means I have big tits. Most of the time I kind of forget about them, because honestly they are of no use to me, unless I need to get Jesse's Girl played at a wedding. Then I just think of using them for good (hello Rick Springfield!). But to me they aren't useful, when I have kids, then they will have a purpose. Right now they are just these giant back pain inducing items that I have been "blessed" with.
All this leads to the next point- when men see big boobs, their brain shuts down. I think it's chemical, and it is hard to blame them, witless creatures they are. But it makes it REALLY difficult to have a conversation when someone is talking to your left tit. When you do find a nice guy, they really do seem embarrassed by this urge and do make an effort to at least look above your neck part of the time. But there is the other side of the coin, where you could be having a really good chat with someone via emails/msn or what have you. Then you meet in person, notice the buxomness, and treat you like you have the IQ of a stamp. Because in their little world, women with big boobs are in no way able to be smart (would probably make masturbating less fun for them). Therefore I get relegated to a subsection of girl that they could sleep with, but couldn't date, as they would then have to acknowledge that I do in fact posses a personality and am not a blow up doll.
After years of being treated as less than human because of my physical lack (ie not being super model thin) this was quite the change, here I was being judged solely on my figure and being treated like a sex-object. It was really rather mind blowing, never in my whole life had I been treated like my body was a good or pleasant thing- leaving me free to develop the sexiest organ I got- my brain. And now I'm being treated like I do not or should not have a brain cause I'm so dead sexy physically. It was a lot to take in.
Eventually though, I tired of being a sex-object to these people (a sentence or thought I never envisioned before this) and took a break from this haphazard dating.
During my second round, I did become a lot more introspective about the hows and whys of who I was attracting- mostly complete crazies. Which I will discuss in round two of Girl vs. Machine
