Girl vs. Machine

The machine in question being the Internet, specifically Internet dating.

Way back in the day, I had been a "lurker" on a couple of dating websites. Interested, yet not quite able to wrap my head around the fact that I needed "help" dating. Well fast forward a few years and two failed relationships and that ever sinking premonition of dying fat and alone and being found three weeks later half eaten by alsatians, spurred me on to try it. That and the fact that I have never really dated, I hadn't really been on a proper date ever.

Being new to the big city, and realizing that there are men here, men everywhere in fact. Men that find me attractive- so unlike back home where I had come to expect, snide comments, side glances, and general assholish behaviour. One caveat- I don't think all men from BC are assholes, just most of the ones in Victoria; and there is reason, there are too many women in Victoria, therefore men can act however they want to and still find themselves with women who will put up with them. Generally though, not many people I know have ended up with a Victoria boy, wait for the imports a friend would say to me. Being a Navy city, there are a lot of those. But Navy boys are their own special kind of special- on the whole. There are exceptions and I'm happy that the friends I know who are married have picked those exceptions.

Anyassholey, back to the present day- or so. I think it does take a lot go on an internet dating website, it's pretty much admitting you need help in the dating game, you can't meet people via normal channels. Which for someone who just moved to the city and was working a lot, it was pretty true. I had no time to join clubs and pretend to care about causes in the hopes of throwing myself in the paths of eligible young(ish) men.

And then it hits, the kid in a candy store feeling, there ARE all these men, and they are messaging you, asking you out. And if you don't like the look of that one, or he can't string two sentences together, you just pick another- the supply seems endless. What I hadn't realized yet is that it's like sifting through river rock looking for gold. You have to sift through a hell of a lot to find a bit of gold. And then it usually turns out to be fool's gold.

But still I was in the blissful first blush of dating, making plans, getting dressed up, going places, being bought dinner, coffee, traveling in cars. At that point I was terrifically messed up over a boy, first time that had ever happened to me, usually I let relationships drag on so long that when I finally wake up out of them, I realize I was over that person for a good six months and yet still with them. So to be in this new territory of the walking wounded, well it was uncomfortable and it hurt, so I used dating as a balm on my soul. It didn't work very well, but it kept me busy at the time.

But as the dates progressed I began to notice things, I put up that I was looking for "dating" as I knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship again and for the most part looking to just meet people and expand my social network. Little did I know that "dating" is code for "casual sex" and here I thought the "casual sex" was actually code for "casual sex". Ahh how little I knew.

Dating websites are classifieds, so you can use different types of lingo like you are trying to sell an apartment. I always put up that I am "BBW", which means Big Beautiful Women, which is a PC term for fat. Which I am, not horrifically, I'm generally well proportioned, but enough that I have to spend extra money on trousers that fit properly. I say this up front to weed out the fattists- I spent enough time with someone who claimed to love me, but would love me all the more if I weighed less to ever be bothered with that kind of fuckwittage again. And I do find people in this city are much less well, assholish about it. It wasn't getting the dates that was the problem. Now the problem was finding quality over quantity.

In words of my dear Grandmothers friend in England I am a "buxom lass" which in North American terms means I have big tits. Most of the time I kind of forget about them, because honestly they are of no use to me, unless I need to get Jesse's Girl played at a wedding. Then I just think of using them for good (hello Rick Springfield!). But to me they aren't useful, when I have kids, then they will have a purpose. Right now they are just these giant back pain inducing items that I have been "blessed" with.

All this leads to the next point- when men see big boobs, their brain shuts down. I think it's chemical, and it is hard to blame them, witless creatures they are. But it makes it REALLY difficult to have a conversation when someone is talking to your left tit. When you do find a nice guy, they really do seem embarrassed by this urge and do make an effort to at least look above your neck part of the time. But there is the other side of the coin, where you could be having a really good chat with someone via emails/msn or what have you. Then you meet in person, notice the buxomness, and treat you like you have the IQ of a stamp. Because in their little world, women with big boobs are in no way able to be smart (would probably make masturbating less fun for them). Therefore I get relegated to a subsection of girl that they could sleep with, but couldn't date, as they would then have to acknowledge that I do in fact posses a personality and am not a blow up doll.

After years of being treated as less than human because of my physical lack (ie not being super model thin) this was quite the change, here I was being judged solely on my figure and being treated like a sex-object. It was really rather mind blowing, never in my whole life had I been treated like my body was a good or pleasant thing- leaving me free to develop the sexiest organ I got- my brain. And now I'm being treated like I do not or should not have a brain cause I'm so dead sexy physically. It was a lot to take in.

Eventually though, I tired of being a sex-object to these people (a sentence or thought I never envisioned before this) and took a break from this haphazard dating.

During my second round, I did become a lot more introspective about the hows and whys of who I was attracting- mostly complete crazies. Which I will discuss in round two of Girl vs. Machine

The Walking Wounded

Today was a migraine day. It came on suddenly last night, they just appear out of nowhere, and yesterday was a tame day, I didn't consume anything terrible drank plenty of water... but at about 10.30pm last night it hit. I thought if I could just go to sleep it would work itself out during the night.

But when I woke up this morning it was still there, my constant companion. As far as being a migraine sufferer I get off pretty easy these days. I don't tend to vomit, and I can go out in daylight usually. I've also found that over the counter migraine meds can often help me get through the day.

I've only had to go to the hospital once with a migraine, when it became apparent to me and the BF of the day that I was no longer rational. And by that I mean, I was seriously thinking about stabbing my eye with something pointy to somehow alleviate the pain.

But that was quite a while ago, in fact I've been pretty lucky lately. I guess my number was up today. However since the days that I used to suffer fairly regularly with them one is now able to buy over the counter migraine pills, rather than using the Dr. prescribed ones. The imitrex I was prescribed cost $40 per pill so you don't want to use those lightly.

It's funny, because you can try to take a regular headache pill, but the migraine will scoff at it and then totally ignore it.

I took my first pill at 9am this morning, and by the time I had to leave for my work meeting I was feeling a bit more than out of it. These pills are interesting, because they don't stop the pain of the migraine, or dissolve the migraine; rather they separate you from your body in such a way that you can't really feel the pain of the migraine.

So there you are, the walking wounded, fully functioning in your migraine hoping that the pain will dissipate before the drugs wear off. You can tell that your migraine is there, it's like a little dog pulling at the leash for your full attention, but these drugs make you numb- not totally fuzzy, but definitely one step behind.

Is it better to be able to be up and around, or to be cowering under the covers in total darkness. Either way, you feel exhausted at the end of it, in a way it was like part of me was in bed under the covers. Co-workers did comment that I didn't seem myself, and while I often feel that I spend a lot of my time separate from my body for entirely different reasons, today part of me was on the inside of far-out.

The migraine is gone finally, but I am still in the grips of the second pill I had to take, because I'd rather take this wrapped in cotton feeling than the stabbing pain of a migraine. So all in all a bit of a weird day and I thought I'd share it since I'm feeling so delightfully lucid.

Back to the grind, kind of...

Well I have returned, I don't know if I could say it was a triumphant return- but I did make the plane on time so there IS that.

(me and Nanny at Rathtrevour- my fave place on earth I think!)


My trip out West went really well. I went to quite a few places and feel like I saw a fair amount of people, my apologies to those I didn't see, my time in Victoria was really short and mostly taken up with the wedding and family. Next visit I would think that I have to spend more time in Victoria (shudder!).

I had a great visit up island with my Grandmother and Aunt and Uncle who happened to be coming down the last night I was there.

Managed to get in a fair bit of swimming in the ocean and a lake swim, which was unbelievably delightful. All in all it was a good visit, and I feel no pull to move back there at all. I would like to convince my family to move out here though- go on do it!

I had a really great visit with my brother, Don, we played some cards- I won, naturally... went for a bit of a wander up Mt. Tolmie and Mt. Doug which was just great, stuff that I really enjoyed doing but sort of forgot about.

There were two separate kayaking outtings with each unit. On Elk Lake with my mum and on the Gorge with my dad. Both were really fun times!

The weather was spectacular for pretty much all of the trip, which is handy because that is how I planned it.

A&A's wedding went off without any real hitches, it was beautiful and they were beaming. I'm looking forward to catching up with them once they return and get back to reality!

Oh reality, you harsh mistress. I'm happy to say I have put it off just a little bit, the majority of my first week back, which is also the first week back and only working one job, was spent sleeping. I guess I'm catching up on all the lost sleep. And I do believe I need to break the habit of just getting home and going to bed.

One good thing about being a workaholic is it sort of excuses you from having a life and putting yourself out there, which is very handy at times.

I zipped down to NY/NJ this past long weekend to visit with Val and Rob and meet my darlingest little godson, Sean! He is such a delight, a really happy little giggly baby and so smiley- I am completely in love with him. I had a lot of cuddles and hugs and somehow managed to get away without changing a diaper.... sneaky! So it was great to catch up with Val and Rob and see their new place.

Coming home was a bit of an ordeal, I left on a slightly later bus out of NYC, which enabled me to hang out a bit in Bryant Park and wander around, which I can't go anywhere near the City and not do. It's just such an amazing and wonderful place to be, I am extremely envious of anyone who is able to live there. I did manage to get back to TO with an hour to spare before work on Tuesday, but the bus has left me feeling a bit coldish and I'm still trying to catch up on sleep.

Ok! That was then, this is now. It's a few weeks later... pretty much back in the swing of things- starting to enjoy evenings and weekends off.

So maybe I'll start posting with some sort of regularity? It just might happen!

The other side

This week something crazy happened, I got over it.

One night I went to sleep and the next morning I woke up and realized I am the one that is causing my own unhappiness in so many situations. It's time to let certain things (and people) go and get on with being my own little pot of gold.

It's actually quite stimulating, I'm getting close to the point where I'm waking up smiling. Imagine! There is, right now, this great lightness of being in me. I'm coming back to old dreams and working on how to fulfill them. It's really rather exciting!

Part of this I think is the light at the end of the tunnel with the second job- 12 more working days to go. And then as a bonus I'm off for two weeks back to the coast.

I have been feeling some trepidation about going back there for a while. It brings back dreams I have had about going back there and then someone stealing my ticket so I can't leave. But I can leave, just like I'm not going back to my job in high school ever again. SO instead of dread, I'm working on excitement. Things I am looking forward to: seeing my peeps- you know who you are!, going to the beach, smelling the ocean, kayaking, Rathtrevour, picnics and happy hour with my Nanny, not working for two weeks, being overdressed, the upcoming wedding, Denman Island, my parents hot tub (which better be working!), lake swimming, night swimming, sailing. Ok- there is much to look forward to!

An update on my little proton and neutron, they are hanging out with each other which makes me so happy. I think they will enhance each others lives immensely.

I'm really looking forward to having more time available for myself. I feel like I am ready now to get out into the world and stop punishing myself or hiding out. I tried the workaholic thing, it's not my cup of tea. I'm ok with that though!

I suppose that is all I have to say for right now, I realized I hadn't posted in quite a while, but times were rough and I didn't feel like being a whingey blogger.
With more time on my hands I hope to upkeep the blog more regularly and perhaps even on topics! imagine!

I have a party I'm hosting today so I should get back to it, I love throwing parties. I was just imagining what kind of party I could throw if I was spending someone else's money.

So from Michelle-Land, things are well, I made it through to the other side and it's nice over here. All rainbows and sunshine and that kind of malarky. (wow I sound medicated... I'm high on life!!!!!)

Off balance

It's been a while since my last post. I suppose there isn't any real reason except for logistical issues that are making it a bit hard. At the moment I seem to be at a disconnect- I am working quite a bit and don't really have any down time during the week, lately I seem to have been working one weekend day as well so that my one day off a week is often spent in a sort of coma-like state of vegetation interspersed with flurries of trying to get everything done for the coming week (cook food so I can eat real things, laundry so I have underwear to wear, tidy the house so I feel better, clean Nestor so HE feels better). All in all I don't really have much personal time or time for doing anything outside of basic survival- hence the lack of posts.

Recently I have been sliding a bit, my general health upkeep isn't going very well. I'm not eating as well as I should and it leads to both me feeling bad physically as well as emotionally and mentally. I long for the days when I can actually have spare time where I could go for a run or to a gym or for a swim.

I have been looking into visualization techniques in the past month. I feel that I need something to spur me onwards or help me focus on making my life more palatable. The only trouble is you are supposed to enter a state of relaxation for these visualizations and given my current level of exhaustion that just generally means I go to sleep.

Also I've been trying to look at reasons why I'm doing this to myself. I think working over 50 hours a week would be acceptable if you were making pots of money something, alas, I am not doing. In a way I guess this is sort of a punishment for abandoning the schooling I came here for. But what in myself makes me feel like I need to be punished?

It's pretty obvious I need to be doing more towards achieving the lifestyle I would rather have (normal work hours, weekends off, benefits) but where does one start? Should I give up more sleep time? Do this at work?

Procrastination is a big issue- I'm realizing I use certain crutches to distance myself from making decisions: can't start my life until me and the boy are sorted, can't do anything until after the trip out west this summer. Have been working on really changing those habits.

If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere

A couple of weeks ago I went down to New York to meet up with my friend Nicole. We'd been planning and plotting this trip for a few months and I was very excited to have the day actualized.

I headed off on Wednesday night on the over night bus, I wasn't my usual organized self on the lead up to the trip so I hadn't had much sleep in the previous few days. This boded well for my sleeping on the bus, I passed out pretty much once we left Toronto, and I was in a deep sleep when we had to stop and get off in Buffalo for the border check. Then we stopped in the buffalo station and picked up people and I had to give up one of my three seats (yeah I'm selfish- so what) for a couple of hours. Finally the person left and I was able to stretch out again and get some sleep.

Our final pit stop was at a McDonald's somewhere about an hour out of the city. The sun was shining brightly and it was - warm! At least to what I've had to compare it to- it must have been gosh at least 8 degrees. This made me even more excited to get into the city and get out in the sunshine.

We finally arrived and I made my way to the Pod Hotel. I highly recommend this place to stay if you are going to New York- the rooms are small, but if you are hanging out in your hotel room the whole time and you haven't been struck by the plague (more on that later), well.. you are lame.

I was able to check into our Pod early as I arrived at the hotel at about 11.30ish am. I dropped my things and headed back out into the light- sans a winter jacket. Talk about excitement! I walked down third and about towards Grand Central, which I had not been to before and then found a little deli to buy some lunch. For eating in New York, the deli's are tops. They have these massive hot and cold tables where you can find pretty much everything under the sun and you aren't forced to have a sandwich or fries or anything greasy. I had a mixture of a a few salads and a coffee and took them to Bryant Park to eat. I Actually ended up eating in front of the New York Public Library (aka heaven) and doing some people watching until the sun went behind the building. After that I wandered inside the library and had a look around. I saw a couple of great exhibits- and the Guttenberg Bible, which is amazing. That book was the beginning of the print revolution, for which I will always be greatful as it paved the way for inexpensive and mass produced books. I dont' think I could imagine a world wear I couldn't read anything I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I stopped for a while and did some online reading in the Art History room on one of my favourite artists Vermeer. But the sitting and reading made me realize how exhausted I was. So I made my way back to the hotel and got myself settled in, showered and relaxed. Another reccomendation I can make about the Pod. AMAZING showers. They have the rain showerhead that comes directly from the ceiling and combine it with two side nozzles. Deluxe.

While waiting for sleep to come I did some writing in the Pod and talked to my Nanny. The city is so inspiring, I think it would be hard to not accomplish great things there. I finally fell asleep for a while and was awoken by Nicole arriving!!

It was great to see Nic after hardly seeing her at all for a few years, she seems really happy and was just as giddy as I was to be in the City. We went down to a diner for some food and to catch up before heading back to the Pod for a sleep.

The next morning brought on grey weather, which was slightly disappointing, but we got ourselves all sussed out and headed to the Empire State Building. Shockingly we didn't wait in line at all to get to the top. We literally waited in total for about four minutes. I let Nic know this was completely lucky. I mean to wait an hour is lucky.

Afterwards we had a coffee and warmed up a bit, it was ridiculously cold at the top, and windy. We then walked to Times Square and looked around a bit. There were a couple of sample sales we popped into on the way which was great, picked up a couple of necklaces and pashminas for very cheap.

We had some lunch at a deli and then it started to rain, and did it RAIN. We booked it back to the Pod as quickly as we could walk, but we were still drenched. We rested for a little bit and then went out to MoMa for their free (FREE) evening. MoMa is definitely one of my favourite museums on the planet. I could probably live there.

It was still torrential downpour on the way to and from the museum and we got resoaked, so we went back to the Pod and wrung ourselves out and then went to Dos Caminos for dinner, which is a fancy Mexican restaurant on 52nd and 4th I think. Although the name reminds me of El Camino, which makes me think of losers in high school who thought those were cool. But it was a nice enough place, $12 for a guacamole, but it was tasty. Although the spicy that I got was not spicy enough. I have a high spice tolerance I think. I keep telling the Indian place where I sometimes get takeaway to make it very spicy, but I think they are afraid.

The next day we awoke to still torrential downpour. I know that the wet coast has been completely washed out of me because of the strength of feelings against the rain. Rain is horrible, horrible stuff. It gets in and makes everything damp and unhappy. At least snow is like little fluffy bits of heaven that you can brush off you. At least though, rain meant sightseeing had to take a backseat to shopping. We hopped on the tube and headed down to the World Trade Centre site. It was interesting to see, but more interesting to me (again, I'm shallow) was Century 21- which was right across the street. Designer items at discount prices. Naturally I beelined it for the purse secton. I found some great deals- Cynthia Rawley for only $100 and Matt and Nat for under $40!!

After a couple of hours there we headed over to Canal St to look at cheap knock offs and I guess this is the Chinatown area of the city. It was pretty neat. I bought a few more bags- but some were gifts so I think that it is entirely reasonable that I bought 6 in total. I find that in New York the neighbourhoods are neat, but that Toronto's ethnic areas are bigger and better.

After that shopping excursion we went back to the Pod and I noticed I wasn't feeling all that well- I blame the rain. Completely. So I had a nap and Nic looked up some adventures. I was able to drag myself from bed to head to the East Village for some late night Frittes. In the subway we saw some great breakdancers! I had to make a pit stop in a Duane Reade for some sort of cold medicine. I've been trying to not use anything not natural for illness, however I left all my remedies at home (that will teach me). So I started chugging Dayquill or something like that. We had a bit of a wander around before heading back to the hotel.

That night it became quite apparent I was very ill, I was up most of the night with a fever and chills and had probably three showers to try to warm up. The next morning Nic went off for an exploration of the Park and the Upper West Side, and it was nice and sunny out, but I could not get out of bed. Sucks to get the plague while you are on vacation- again I blame the rain- stupid, stupid rain.

I finally peeled myself out of bed midafternoon and met Nic in Times Square so we could buy rush tickets for a Broadway show that night. We managed to get tixs to Mamma Mia, although they were a bit more expensive than we thought they would be. We got all fancied up to go there, all the while I was chugging liquid betterness trying to feel normal. When we got to the theatre we realized what luck we had. The seats were amazing row Q in the orchestra so we were 16 rows up from the stage. The show was spectacular~ so high energy and all the songs were by ABBA.

I seemed to sleep a bit better that night, and the next morning we had to check out- all good things come to an end so quickly, hard to believe the end was nigh. They were able to let us keep our bags a the Pod while we went out for breakfast at Ess A Bagel, the best bagel I've ever had, although I swear they put a pound of cream cheese on it. Kind of gross. But still. Then we went downtown to Chelsea and walked to Greenwich Village and ended up for lunch in the East Village again.

Manhattan is funny, it's really a very small place, but it feels huge. Particularly coming from somewhere like Canada where most towns are so spread out it's hard to imagine a map actually conveying something small. It was a quick walk from Greenwich Village to the East Village, we walked by the NYU campus. Then it was back to the hotel and Nic was picked up by her Shuttle to JFK. I went and found a snack and waited for my shuttle as well. There are no subways to La Guardia, which is kind of lame, because it's only in Queens. We gave it an hour to get to the airport but it took under twenty minutes.

I checked in and was put on standby to go an earlier flight, which I actually got so that was lucky, because I had just finished the Dayquill stuff before I went through security and I didn't know how much longer I was going to last.

I made it home with minimal drama- although navigating two suitcases kind of sucks. And then I crashed, for about 24 hours. I wasn't even conscious for Tuesday, enough to call my night job and tell them I couldn't work at all.

All in all though, the trip was great. It was wonderful to see Nic and I love the City so much. It would be impossible to have a bad time in New York I think. I can't wait to get back there.

An atom of happiness

Interesting. Could this be two posts in one day?

I was just talking with my friends B (yes they both have names that start with B) today. One has within the past year gone through a break up and one is going through a strain in her relationship. We have all been friends for a while, B since grade 2 and B since grade 6. I consider them both kindred spirits. But I think they both circle me looking at each other with wariness. If I am the nucleus, they would be the proton and the neutron. And I haven't quite figured out who is which. But it does take me back to a pretty awesome KWRP in Cincinatti episode.

The point being is these are my two closest and oldest friends. I would take a bullet for either of them (in the leg... I mean not anywhere important sheesh) and we are all still unmarried, unchildified in life. And while I am sure they separately don't consider each other in the grand scheme of things; they are in my mind, my other two muskateers.

Sometimes I wonder what it is with the three of us why not one of us has grasped the brass ring? And by that I don't mean THE ring... I mean successful, committed, adult relationships with boys/men. It's not like people of our age group haven't been getting married, but we all seemed to miss out on the starter marriage phenomenon. Is this due to our up bringing? Our geographical location (ie. the water we drank)? although we all lived at three separate locales on the penninsula(and we certainly know enough Sidney girls who got knocked up as quickly as you could say here's your high school diploma), or own personal morals? It is in a sense a nature or nurture question.

A question I can't answer at all, but I do know this. We have spent (and all three of us are guilty of this) an inordinate amount of time justifying our behaviour- and changes in- to each other which have been directly related to the person we were with. This is all so interesting, as we three are the product of three very strong and amazing women. Is this the problem? Have we rejected this strong woman archetype and become co-dependent because of it? I know for myself that I will never live up to the ideal of my mother. She is- in one word-amazing. And I am not really. We often come to blows with my acceptance of my own mediocracy. Are all three of us rebelling against our own mothers by being ridiculous in the face of man?

Interestingly as I was making dinner tonight I realized both proton and neutron want or wanted to pursue careers in the culinary arts. As for me, I just want to be a 1950s housewife complete with in the closeted gay husband and martini and valium addiction. Maybe this is our form of rebellion, our post second wave feminist response to going out and being forced to be career women. We want to be our grandmothers? Or great grandmothers. Really all the three of us want is happiness, as defined by being in a relationship with someone who makes us feel as our mothers felt, or we thought they felt, loved, cherished and adored.

And maybe they didn't feel that way all the time, or even most of the time- we don't really know until it is too late, these impressions are formed in our psyche. And we recognize it's not easy for men either, for all intense purposes they have been replaced. Except for the cuddling, maybe the cuddling is all we really desire? To be held. To feel that love that comes from someones arms around you. There really isn't a feeling like it in the world.

Anyway, I'm babbling. I do know that all three of us would throw off these chains of discontent and do whatever it would take to be with the men we love. Except none of us can play this game that seems to hook men in, I know we all feel dishonest and infantile about it. Yet as years pass by and we talk to friends who swear by rules and regulations (and I'm not saying I haven't tried them before) to "land the man" and the three of us circle each other still single, still searching. I wonder- shouldn't we recognize the happiness we have with each other? With the compelling interactions that draw us back to each other again and again? Maybe we are each others great loves. And honestly, is that so bad?

To proton and neutron:


"Overweight"

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally

And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the boy, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?


I will carry you both as long and as far as I can. I think we carry each other.

Mid-Winter Mindset

This past week I've been doing a lot of thinking. I am sure to the horror and dismay of my father who always says I think way too much, make mountains out of molehills, create my own troubles etc... But he also said if I kept it up he'd have to come back her and put some sense into me- so game on I say- I await your visit!

Yesterday was Valentine's day and while I do believe it's a ridiculous hallmark holiday meant to empty your wallet and alienate all singletons into a despair only cured by spending more money. Valentine's Day! It's good for the economy! That said, I couldn't help but feel a little "single" sad on the day. And then of course a little angry that I'm letting a card company influence my feelings.

This time last year I was newly single and pretty excited about the path my life would be taking. This year I can say I'm still excited about my life, but it seems tinged a bit with sadness of unfulfilled dreams and longings.

I never thought growing up I'd be where I am at this age. When I was a "little" girl I wanted to be married and have babies by the time I was 23 so I could still be young and virile by the time they left home. Now it's closing in on ten years past that mark- and I'm just starting out with my life it feels like.

Lately I've been noticing people's wedding rings. I have done this before when I was so obsessed with getting married and starting a family I led myself to believe that I was going to be happy with a person totally wrong for me. Now I know what true all encompassing love (not just from my mum) feels like and I know I cannot settle for anything less than that to start a partnership. But I'm concerned about this feeling of unfulfilment about not being mated up.

Perhaps it has to do with the next stage people around me are going through. I know I've always been more mature for my age, in grade school I had very few friends and was one of those nerds who walked around with the teacher at breaks. I've always felt more at ease with "grown ups" and anxious with my contemporaries. The past few years were all about weddings, weddings and more weddings and now it seems to have switched to reproducing.

I spent a recent weekend in Ottawa with my friends Florie and Rob and their little daughter Serena who as of the current writing of this post (Feb 24th) is now one year and one day old. It was wonderful to see them again, as always and I am in a way envious of what Florie has, she has a wonderful husband who is in all senses her partner and really just a nice upstanding guy. And I wonder if/when I'll be in the same situation, and how will I cope? Is there a point when you just become too selfish to have children? Will I be able to deal with getting up ridiculously early and wearing boring yet practical shoes all the time? I know that I can and that I will be a good mother, given the chance to be one. (although I just don't know about the practical shoes) It is all about adapting.

But at what point do I stop holding out for true love? Or that my true love and I will be together? Will I have to reimmerse myself into the dating pool to finally find someone who I can tolerate and hope that after a few kids the trials of everyday life will numb the fact that he's not the one? And then I look around and see the little gifts he gave me, and know even though he's not here he is always presence and a comfort. And that I can't give up yet, I do not want to settle, ever. Even, I suppose, if it means solitude for a while.

Before moving here I had never been very solitary, not since high school. During university I became a social butterfly disguising my insecurity through socialization. Now I feel comfortable being on my own. Although that is part of the worry, being on your own allows you to mold little oddities and neuroses into beautiful tapestries that decorate your life. And how hard will these be to unravel? Will I be able to let someone else use my weekend coffee mug during the week for tea? (just typing that sentence makes me a bit anxious- this could be serious)

I made a new friend recently and went to his loft where he lives with 7 other people and several cats. I was, at first, intrigued by idea of living in the fashion district with such low rent. However, a quick glance at the kitchen swiftly reminded me of the pitfalls of roommates, unwashed dishes, messiness that will creep into your psyche and lay little eggs of discontent- either in the form of having to pick up after someone you aren't getting sexual pleasure from or an epic power struggle/standoff to see who is the alpha dog, the messy slob or the neurotic clean freak. It was at that time I knew for sure I couldn't deal with roommates again.

Well this post seems to have run the gamut- I am not discontent with my life as it is. Maybe it is the contentment I feel sitting alone in my kitchen that scares me? What I feel is impatience, and I have a feeling this is the life lesson I need to learn in my life. The prophet Muhammed said "Patience is the key to contentment". And when I feel impatient I know I am not living in the present moment, so I try to slow down, take deep breathes to refocus and come back to what I know. Someone out there loves me with all his heart, I'm close to loving myself with all my heart, I have amazing friends and family who also love me. And when I think about all this love I feel lighter in spirit. Maybe it's the sunshine today and how it glints off the snow, and makes kalidescopes of the icicles hanging from rooftops. Maybe this is how everyone feels mid-winter?

I leave for New York in ten days! Let the planning commence!

2007 The Facts and Figures ReCap

Happy New Year Everybaady!




Here's a recount of the stats,ups, downs and sideways:





Moves across the Country: 1
Very own apartments occupied: 1 (a first!)
School courses begun:1
School courses finished: 0 (oh well win some lose some)
States visited: 3 (new york, new jersey, pennsylvania)
Trips to New York City:2
Amount of my twenties left to complete: 0 (HA I WIN!!)
Friends and family that have visited: 11
Bottles of wine consumed: hmmm numerous
Times gone swimming: 0 (I wish I wasn't so scared of the lake)
Tans achieved: 1 (alllright)
Boyfriends this year: 2
Shoes bought: 7 pairs? (that can't be right, the number seems too low)
Purses bought: 6 (moderate)
Times it has snowed: over ten times- it rules
First class flights: 1 (from Montreal to TO, man it was awesome- so that's how the other half lives)
Times living space was reorganized: 5 and I think we have a winner folks
Valentine's Cards: 1 (thanks mum!)
Books read: gosh i don't even keep track but I'd say at least 100.
Paintings painted: .5 :-( i need to work on that

OK I can't think of anything more I should recap. I'm sure I could recap everything but then you wouldn't read my blog. And if I lost my admiring public what WOULD I do?

As I write this it is the one year anniversary of my move to Toronto. It's been an interesting year- they say everything gets better after 30, well let's hope so as my twenties were a bit shite. It has been a year of new beginnings a few endings and a lot of learning. I feel happy and somewhat content with life. More content than I have been in a while. It's great to wake up in the morning and look out your window and think "wow I'm home".

Great things are afoot for 2008, there is a feeling in the air and I for one am darn excited about it. Thanks to everyone in my life, you are the ones who make me smile on a daily basis, who teach me things about yourselves and myself and although I'm not around most of you I carry you all in my heart (or in that very large purse I have...).

Many hugs and smooches from "the centre"

Michelle